I have nothing important to blog about, but a heaviness in my heart lately that I need to get out on paper. Recently it seems as if my eyes are open to everything I fail at as a parent. I have guilt and feel resentful over the fact that I can't stay home with the kids; and I beat myself up about the fact that I actually enjoy my job and am not entirely sure i'd want to be a stay at home mom. Yes, it doesn't completely make sense to me either.I struggle with the knowledge that I can't protect my children from everything I know is causing them worry and fear.
I fail.
But tonight, after putting the kids to bed it was if the Lord was opening my eyes up to what I am doing. A slap in the face as if He is saying, "Lindsay- did you forget? I've got this". And the truth is, I did forget. I get so caught up in my shortcommings that I forget about the fact that I don't need to have it all together. In Isaiah 65:10, God explains that the valley of Anchor would be a place of rest. What irony, that a valley filled with rocks and nothing would be a place for the weary to rest. But GOD and his grace can turn a rocky path into a resting place. God offers to transform our discouragements and defeats into a ray of hope.
Tonight, as I laid both my kids to sleep I was remided about how truely blessed I am. And how, if I was doing things as terribly as I feel like I'm doing them right now, my children would not be the loving and compasionate kids that they are. Baby B is teething like mad and did not want to lay down easily.I nursed him and watched him as his eyes got heavy and I transfered him to his crib. I hugged him over the crib as he stood there and my arms went numb. I stayed there still, as he went from standing to sitting and hugged my arm tight. And I rubbed his back when he finally felt comfortable enough to lay down and eventually drift off. I didn't let him, "cry it out". I nursed him to sleep like I've been told not to do by so many of my, "main stream" friends..... and I feel good about it. I then went the little H's room as she read me the entire story of, There's a Wocket in my Pocket perfectly on her own. (wondering, when did she get old enough to do this!?) I closed my eyes as she prayed and talked to Jesus like He is her friend. I listened as she asked for forgiveness for pouting then asked that Jesus help her feel comfortable to tell all her friends about Him.
I was reminded tonight that failure is not fatal.
