I have nothing important to blog about, but a heaviness in my heart lately that I need to get out on paper. Recently it seems as if my eyes are open to everything I fail at as a parent. I have guilt and feel resentful over the fact that I can't stay home with the kids; and I beat myself up about the fact that I actually enjoy my job and am not entirely sure i'd want to be a stay at home mom. Yes, it doesn't completely make sense to me either.I struggle with the knowledge that I can't protect my children from everything I know is causing them worry and fear.
I fail.
But tonight, after putting the kids to bed it was if the Lord was opening my eyes up to what I am doing. A slap in the face as if He is saying, "Lindsay- did you forget? I've got this". And the truth is, I did forget. I get so caught up in my shortcommings that I forget about the fact that I don't need to have it all together. In Isaiah 65:10, God explains that the valley of Anchor would be a place of rest. What irony, that a valley filled with rocks and nothing would be a place for the weary to rest. But GOD and his grace can turn a rocky path into a resting place. God offers to transform our discouragements and defeats into a ray of hope.
Tonight, as I laid both my kids to sleep I was remided about how truely blessed I am. And how, if I was doing things as terribly as I feel like I'm doing them right now, my children would not be the loving and compasionate kids that they are. Baby B is teething like mad and did not want to lay down easily.I nursed him and watched him as his eyes got heavy and I transfered him to his crib. I hugged him over the crib as he stood there and my arms went numb. I stayed there still, as he went from standing to sitting and hugged my arm tight. And I rubbed his back when he finally felt comfortable enough to lay down and eventually drift off. I didn't let him, "cry it out". I nursed him to sleep like I've been told not to do by so many of my, "main stream" friends..... and I feel good about it. I then went the little H's room as she read me the entire story of, There's a Wocket in my Pocket perfectly on her own. (wondering, when did she get old enough to do this!?) I closed my eyes as she prayed and talked to Jesus like He is her friend. I listened as she asked for forgiveness for pouting then asked that Jesus help her feel comfortable to tell all her friends about Him.
I was reminded tonight that failure is not fatal.
I would have never have imagined you were feeling guilt..I look at you with admiration. In awe by of how strong you are, and how awesome your children are! You are doing an amazing job, When you get home from work you smother those babes with affection..a lot of parents come home and don't even spend time with their children. You are perfect and I am sooo proud of you! I love you Lindsay! I also want to share my favorite scripture with you...it helped me through every hard time I've gone through throughout my life.
ReplyDeletePhilippians 4:6,7 - 6 Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.